I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
