Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
