so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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