Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
