dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
