i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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