I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
