Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
