this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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