After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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