im drinking this country out of the recession.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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