don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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