I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
