I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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