I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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