Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
