get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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