I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
