Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
