Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
