That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
God, I missed his penis.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
