Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
