Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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