I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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