He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
