I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that