I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
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And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
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So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.