I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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