i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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