Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
