the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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