i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
