Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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