dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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