when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Watching her eat just hurts me
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
