I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
