Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
