he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
