I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
