batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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