new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
