no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Pants are for mortals
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
