That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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