So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
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I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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