Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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