Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
