i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
