I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Dignity is for republicans.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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