I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
