I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
