Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.