I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.