No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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