i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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