You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
