The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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